I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
and you fell through a lawn chair
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
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