did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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