well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Randomize
