roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
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