I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Randomize
