(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
theres pictures of him knuckle deep in her, both of them thumbs up and cheesin. someone should take her kid away
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Randomize
