so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
Seius question. Does a penis floar when ina baht? Must find out.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
You are a genius and a whore.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
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