I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
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