I feel great
I just peed on a car
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
Sex tent. say it aloud its amazing. promise you we rnt stoned.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
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