Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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