I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
were you the shorter or taller girl out of you two
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
We convinced her the game "just the tip" was a billiards game. She was asking a couple guys if they wanted to play as we left. I kinda don't want to ask her how the rest of the night went.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize
