Dude my mom stole all your condoms
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
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