you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
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