I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
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