we are all sexual creatures
yea maybe. but you're not. you're not getting any.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
Randomize
