I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
I think I kinda wanna bone that ginger from Harry Potter.
You literally just made my flesh crawl.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
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