I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
Are sex swings allowed in dorms
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
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