wanna go halves on a baby?
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Randomize
