Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
I intend to get homeless drunk
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
Randomize
