I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
Randomize
