So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
