Hope the move went well! I'll miss you!
you are a cunt and I hated living with you and your skeezy boyfriend.Just thought I'd get that out there.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
Not my type. One of those types that loves that they're educated, could drink their red wine and have an intellectual conversation and have a wonderful time
An adult?
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
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