The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
i find it sad that i can no longer sit in the back of class for fear that someone will fart into the heater again.
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
