I think im going to throw up on grandma
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
In other news I saw a pack of make believe zombies walking down green st.
gotta love wednesdays
I intend to get homeless drunk
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
Randomize
