i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
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