last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
I'm at about main and main street
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
Randomize