i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
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