I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
So I just went to clothing optional bar
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
