How is your vagina???
Double booked
With your butt?
Totes, candlesticks and all
Yay!!
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
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