Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
Randomize
