so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
PANTIES FOUND
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
