So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
You are the jesus of drinking
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
He has the fingertips of a God
Randomize
