Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
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