Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
if three guys were standing in front of you and they differed only in the hairiness of the groin who would you choose: smooth as a baby's bottom, the grass lands or the amazon jungle?
i think you're getting too neurotic about why she won't touch you.
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
Randomize
