I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
Randomize
