i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
Randomize
