Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
Would it be totally wrong, that in honor of princess leias death, I role played as her??
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Randomize
