her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
Randomize
