My boss' voice literally gives me gas
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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