just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
Lots of explosions. Minor nudity. Full penetration and lots of tuxedos.
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Randomize
