My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
i think the semi hot bartender might actually be a man in drag..on a similar note, what are you drinking?
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
