How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
Who died my cat blue again?
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