Don't come here someone got drunk and rolled the keg to buger king. no more beeer
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
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