i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
right now I need to figure out a smart way to get an accurate picture of his dick so I know what in dealing with, right now in flying blind.
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
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