she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
