You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
Randomize
