I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
Randomize
