Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
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