Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
Randomize
