Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
I want a musical about memes.
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
