i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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