on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
Randomize
