dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Randomize
