Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
