Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
Also, just saw a kid in a gorilla costume being questioned by a boardwalk cop. I love ocean city.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
