nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
The cops high fived after they tackled you
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
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