i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
I did not pay that kind of money so that It could be hidden. that bra needs to shine in glory so that it can be seen by the world.
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
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