But if ***** wants to get filthy... Tell her to throw a text my way ;)
Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
were trying to schedule when i can give him head in between classes.
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
